Tomorrow is your 21st birthday and I can barely type this entry without falling apart, let alone say those words out loud. I'm really struggling with the idea that you should be having 70 plus more birthdays! I try really hard to not go to these dark places in my mind Nood, but they often come to me. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. My hope is strength to celebrate you in the way you deserve. That's what I'm aiming for Noodle, but please don't be disappointed if all I can mange is to sit in your room that still smells of you, and imagine you here. Your 21st birthday is the birthday you so wanted to celebrate in full Andrew style as only you could. You spoke about wanting to celebrate it in Las Vegas so Dad and I went in late November when we knew we could handle it. I don't know, I can't know what tomorrow will bring, but know this my sweet boy, YOU will be all I think of, dream of and desire. Missing you is not getting easier, in fact its getting increasingly harder but I hear your voice in my head reminding me that we never know what tomorrow might bring so we need to live for today. The harder it gets, the stronger I will need to become. The love I have for you is my strength and knowing, even though I'm may no longer be privileged by "living with you" I now have to live for you. Until one sweet day Son, when we can all be together and our hearts sing again.
Ps, I came across this message from your good friend Paula who wrote about being down and you talking with her and making her feel better. She went on to quote these words of yours, "no matter how bad of a day you're having, there's always something good to look forward to, so to heck with it, just be happy." I am always looking for the good in my day for you my extraordinary SUN.
Love Always and forever, Mama
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