I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

A favorite of mine that always bears repeating:

I've Learned

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 
— Maya Angelou

My Heart, When It Had A Perfect Beat-Those sweats though, perfection!

Andrew, First leaning to do what he loved. Drive. he loved to drive any thing with 2 or 4 wheels. He was a great driver. After he took his driving test, the person testing him said he was so impressed with what a confident, safe and strong young driver he was! Andrew started watching us drive from his car seat in the back seat. He would watch every move you made while driving. Loved being in the car and never complained.

Mobbing with his fist truck and those sweats! Always the trend setter. Always the funny guy. This kid right here! <3 p="">

Our last family picture together right before Christmas. We were all so much "alive". We had no way of knowing, two months later everything and everyone would change and our handsome, sweet boy would be gone forever.

Grab your moments. Take your photographs, ect. Get in all the pictures. We're never promised tomorrow so take in what today is offering. Peace and Love, Ceressa

Everyday, every night, every hour, every minute, every moment...

Dear Traumatic Brain Injury

 First photo is Andrew with his beautiful girl friend Maddee
working at her family ranch with the Twisselman Family whom he loved dearly.

Second photo is Andrew with his dad at Cottage Hospital a month before he passed away. Cant' stop, wont stop.



"I have hated you since the day we met. You have made me sadder than I ever imagined. You have made me weaker and more exhausted than I ever conceived. You have made me angry and bitter, and you have taken not only bits and pieces of the son I love so very much but huge parts of my own heart as well. In reality, you have taken something from every single person in our family. You have changed the course of our lives, and we are still adjusting." -No truer words have been said

Sharing from the Brain line site. All that Nicole writes is so perfectly said I want to share. I think it speaks not only to TBI but any catastrophic injury or illness and to LOSS. These are her words that so many of us would like to say if we could. For me this entire post is true except for the part that we are better because TBI entered our lives. TBI took our beautiful son for good. Has it made me a warrior? I don't know. I sure think of my daughter, husband, parents and siblings as well as all of Andrew's friends and love ones, as warriors, but not better off. Right now, I'm still in the place where I want to say, "Hello Traumatic Brain Injury, it's not nice to meet and get the hell out of here"! And I may never accept the fact that you barreled into our lives on that dark, horrible early morning. And yet I understand what she is saying. I hope whom ever finds this message it brings you comfort and strength. Thank you Nicole for writing and sharing your amazing words. _Ceressa

ByNicole Bingamen

Taylor and Nicole share a hug.

Dear Traumatic Brain Injury,

You came into our home almost three years ago and decided to enter with no invitation, no introduction, and no preparation for your never-ending presence. I have since learned that this is how you operate; you just show up in some series of unexpected events. There is no protocol for when you arrive. One moment we don’t have any clue of your existence and the next you are all we know, and it feels as if knowing you has been eternal.

Thanksgiving Eve of 2012, we did not know your name, and we were not well acquainted enough to recognize your face.  You waltzed in silently and escorted my bright, strong, beautiful, full of life, 21-year-old son down a flight of stairs in his home, where he was supposed to be safe. You all but destroyed him.

A fall down thirteen stairs in close to thirteen seconds would forever alter the person we knew and loved, the person we ultimately needed. Our introductions to you were made with words like devastating, coma, brain bleeds, fractures, skull plates, swelling and the most horrific words of them all, “He may not survive.”

In that first night, within those initial moments, you stole many of our hopes, dreams, and chances at the things we used to take for granted. In place of them you gave challenges, frustrations, and endless new maps to navigate.

You would also bring out something else in us: unyielding fight, determination, and hope.

I still remember the first time I saw Taylor’s eyes after you entered his brain. Your cracks, unimaginable bumps, breaks and bruises had an effect on him that caught me unprepared. I searched for my son, but instead found a person who was void of Taylor’s light, his spark, and the love that connected us. Where was our Taylor and would he ever return? I knew none of this was going to be easy, and yet I was thankfully unaware of just how grueling it would become.

Together, our family would spend months in the ICU, inpatient rehab, and endless days of physical, cognitive, occupational and speech therapies. In the beginning, all of the therapies were sponsored by specialists, but as time moved on, and insurance approval grew slim, creativity was forced in charting the continued course.  All the while, missing my son, I tried to explain to people that even though Taylor was here, so was something else that had taken so much of him, and that would be you, Traumatic Brain Injury.

I have hated you since the day we met. You have made me sadder than I ever imagined. You have made me weaker and more exhausted than I ever conceived. You have made me angry and bitter, and you have taken not only bits and pieces of the son I love so very much but huge parts of my own heart as well. In reality, you have taken something from every single person in our family. You have changed the course of our lives, and we are still adjusting.

After nearly three years, I still find myself trying to make peace with you. I have screamed at you, and at times you produced an endless flow of tears that left my face raw with irritation from how many have fallen. You have brought me to my knees, and yet made me stand taller than I ever thought I could. I have felt your defeat and agony, and I have felt the victories that come from witnessing the powerful implications of a recovery that takes place one moment at a time.

I have grown as a mother, as an advocate, and as a person. I have learned how to work with what I cannot change or fix. I have learned that letting go of some expectations of our survivor and ourselves is not only crucial but also necessary. I have learned that I really don’t have to be afraid of you, traumatic brain injury, because at the end of each day, you may have taken us for another wild ride, but we have been victorious.  

How do I accept your unwanted and unwelcome presence? I try to work with you, and not against you. I remain certain that you are not stronger than the force of love, family, and friends that encircle us. I try my best to work within the parameters that you have set while knowing that there is a fierce fire within us that is greater than the devastation you brought.

Dear traumatic brain injury, you have made my sons, my husband and myself, warriors, and I believe that in the end, we will be better human beings because you are here.

"How do I accept your unwanted and unwelcome presence? I try to work with you, and not against you. I remain certain that you are not stronger than the force of love, family, and friends that encircle us. I try my best to work within the parameters that you have set while knowing that there is a fierce fire within us that is greater than the devastation you brought." - I am Still working on this. Ceressa

Held Up By The Holdup

Today was a better day Nu Nu. Mama didn't cry as much, laughed a lot and spent most of the day cleaning the Player Ln. house and listening to your boys. I know why you love them so much, they're poets and their lyrics are poetry and you love poetry so it totally makes sense to me. Christy might of bagged on you for your love of them, but she was the first one willing to attend one of their concerts at SLO Brew when you where in the hospital in Kentfield. She even wrote them and ask for one of their banners from their Stay Gold album. It was through their FB page and sadly she never heard back. I have wanted to attend their concert, but the last few times they were here it felt too hard. I want them to know about their number one fan! Anyway Nood, it's getting late and Mama needs sleep bad so I don't want to write too much and get my wheels turning otherwise it will keep me up. I just want to say I love you and thank you for the good day. Also I'm posting some pictures here from yesterday's birthday wishes. My computer wasn't allowing me to download pictures. Love you Sweet Boy. Sweet Dreams, Mama

 Emilee posted this one:

and Uncle Gordon shared this one. They are both some favorites of mine. My "twins"

Andrew's Song Tonight Lullaby

Your very first lullaby Noodle. I started singing this to you from the moment we brought you home. Then one day in the car when I was belting it out, and as you were sitting so calmly and comfy in your car sit with your little legs crossed at your ankles, you so softly and sweetly said "Mama, please stop, it hurts my ears". Oh Andrew, I remember that day like yesterday. I never stopped singing (just dialed it back) and you grew to love Mariah Carey, which to this day I doubt most of your friends even know.
Our song Noodle. I'm still singing and I'm still here. Where ever you are, I'll be there!

Trying To Sing Instead of Scream #bothareok #griefsucks #childloss #sucksmore

"memories stay with us ya, stay with us ya"-The Holdup

I woke up this morning just wanting to scream at the fact that today your 21 and you didn't make it to see this milestone moment in your life. So instead (and I may still head out to scream somewhere) I went for a run. I'm one song in on my playlist and "your boys" come on with Back Then. Yes, Nu, I knew right away it was you! It reminded of you and Christy. You loved The Holdup from the minute you discovered them. Local boys trying to make a name for themselves. You loved that idea. But not everyone shared your love of them and you got teased a lot about that. Lovingly teased because anyone who knows you knows your deep love of music.  It just made you love them more. I remember the day you shared them with Christy. You were so excited. You two were always sharing music, new and old with one another. She hated them! She told you they were garbage. You laughed and told her she had no taste. Then when you would see her driving around town you would blast them and she would give you the "stink eye" or show you her lipstick?!?!. You always laughed.  After my run while I was coming up the driveway TWO gray doves flew from yours and my favorite oak tree. I recognized you right away. I'm thinking your with my friend Cory (as I ask him daily to take you under his wing) Maybe it's Kody. It could be anyone of our loved ones who deeply love you. I can't be sure, but I can be sure that I see the signs you share with me. Keep sharing them Noodle because I'm looking for them every minute of everyday. Some days there are none, some days there are more then one. Anyway, all the wonderful but heart breaking birthday wishes are starting to show up on social media all expressing how very much your missed and never to be forgotten. and since you shared "your Boys with me this morning it's only fitting I share here. I'm sharing "your boys" With a  LOVE so strong, Mama