"LOVE IS THE BEST PART OF LIFE AND IT’S THE HARDEST PART OF DEATH" #grief #childloss

I have been wanting to write something like this for awhile now but every time I sit here at the key board I either start crying too hard to write or my mind is too scrambled for the right words. Today, on the One Legacy Site I follow (that's the organ donor after care site for loved ones of donors and recipients)  The words were written by another mother and exactly what I have been wanting to express. So, I will share her words. Her name is Chula and she lost her beautiful daughter:

- "Something I'd like to share with my OneLegacy Donor Family:

Death changes everything but Death of your child changes your DNA.

In the past year I learned what it is to mourn…
I mourn for my son, nieces, nephews and cousins who have had their lives changed forever.
I mourn for her father who will never find a love as pure as the one he has for Tatiana.
I mourn for my mother and father who not only grieve the passing of Tatiana but they lost a part of me.
I mourn for G-ma and Papa Louie for they grieve the passing of their first Grand Daughter.
I mourn for my Sister and Brother because I know in their hearts they wish they could protect their little sister from this pain.
I mourn for her Aunt and Uncle who for the past few years of her life took care of her like if she was their own child.
I mourn for my Lil Peanut who like me walks this earth partly numb from the pain in her heart.
I mourn the friends who I know and feel love me but have no idea how to bring me comfort.

In the past year I’ve seen loss…
Loss of friendships that I thought would last for the rest of my life.
Loss of innocence in the eyes of children that knew Tatiana.
Loss of fear for I fear nothing now…

In the past year I’ve seen the true spirit of Love…
In my darkest days Love is what kept me going.
Love from Family, Love from Friends, Love from my Boss and his family.
Love from complete strangers who without knowing us gave our little family hope.

LOVE IS THE BEST PART OF LIFE AND IT’S THE HARDEST PART OF DEATH…"

[Official Video] Winter Wonderland/Don’t Worry Be Happy - Pentatonix (ft...

Night Nu Nu. I love you and always will

Annie Lennox - Many Rivers To Cross @ Idol Gives Back 2008

Annie Lennox at St Lukes

ANNIE LENNOX - Hallelujah

"The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something." ― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

Finding The Words

I often feel without being able to express or extract my own words. And then I find them perfectly written:

" I know you think this world is too dark to even dream in color,
but I’ve seen flowers bloom at midnight.
I’ve seen kites fly in gray skies
and they were real close to looking like the sunrise,
and sometime it takes the most wounded wings
the most broken things
to notice how strong the breeze is,
how precious the flight."
Andrea Gibson - The Moon is a Kite

It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit. -- Robert Louis Stevenson

Today In Poetry

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers-By Emily Dickinson

Hope' is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

Earthquakes, Love And Other Things

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger ... something better, pushing right back.”
Albert Camus - The Stranger

-This blog has yet to defined it's self. I've yet to truly find my voice. Not sure where I will go with it. There are posts I share and many more I don't. It's my place to be. My place to talk to my son or talk about him. My place to take a little bit of what goes on in my head everyday and put it out there. These are just small pieces of my mind speak. The tip of the cascading ice burg of grief and the devastating loss of our tender child. To open the gate to all that is in my head is too scary. The fear of never coming back is real. So this blog for me is kinda like our earthquakes. When we have small tremors, it's a good thing because they let some of the pressure that's built up in our earth plates out. Our hope is this will keep us from experiencing "the big one". This is my place to let release the pressure and keep from experiencing "the big one" too.-


-I'm keeping all these touching sediments here on my blog so I can read them daily and know you are not forgotten. When people talk about you Andrew is when our hearts truly feel full again. Yesterday was a rough day but so many people called or sent messages of love to us all. We heard from all your close friends. These kids are so strong and amazing. And boy, do they have an everlasting love for you. You touched so many in so many ways. You'll never be forgotten, this I know, but to be able to talk about you, hear stories and laugh and cry together is the light that lifts the  darkness that tries to sneak in. You my son had no dark sides. You were full of light, love and laughter. No dark places lived in you.When our pain takes us to depths of unfathomable levels, it is your light that lifts us up bringing us to great heights of love. We talk, remember, laugh and live all about you. Beautiful, transcending you. You are our never ending summer.  #stayapkstrong #staygold #mynoodleboy

-Love from Dalton: It's crazy to think you are gone dude, we had so much shit planned for the future that we talked about for hours. I'll never forget the memories we have, and kinda can't considering we have matching drunk ankle tats haha. You were definitely something else Andrew Kunz, but I know one thing and that is, you are my brother for ever man. I know you want me to be strong, so I am. I love you brother. You are always in my heart and memories kid. God sure has a lot on his hands with you up there:) Rest In Paradise Andrew. You know how much I love and miss you. Stay Gold

Stay Gold

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Robert Frost, 1874 - 1963

Nature’s first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf’s a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, 
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay. 

For Andrew, A Lullaby And The Goodnights

 -My beautiful boy everyday since you flew away the depth at which I miss you is unimaginable. To no longer be able to hold, touch, kiss and smell you is unimaginable. To no longer hear your voice, your laughter, your song and even your frustrations is unimaginable. To not be able to look into your big bright brown eyes with your long lashes is unimaginable.  So I will continue to imagine this. That you are free and soaring and full of and feeling so much love. That there is magnificent light surrounding you with warmth and it now wraps it's arms around you. That you are surrounded by all our loved ones whom left before you. That you are happy. And each and every night, when I say "the goodnights" you are here by my side and hear them.  I will imagine these things and more because life without you is and has been unimaginable. I love you so much Noodle, to the moon and back, Mama-

"Goodnight to Mama and Poppi, Andrew and Juliana, Goodnight to Grandma and Grandpa. Goodnight to Grandpa Phil and Aunt Di-Di. Goodnight to special Grandma Edie up in heaven. GoodNight to Grandpa Remo. Good night to Aunt Michelle, Uncle Jeff, Emilee and Connor. Goodnight to Aunt Nay Nay, Uncle Patrick, Maddy and Louie. Goodnight to Uncle Gordon, Corrina, Katlyn and Emily. Goodnight to Uncle Jimmy and Jake. Goodnight to Kiki, Big Andrew, Aiden, Emerson and Kasia. Goodnight to Casey, John, Gage and Baby Keely. Goodnight to Aunt Lori and Uncle Dave. Goodnight to special Uncle Lenny up in heaven. Goodnight to Melissa, Joel, Eli, Beckette and Schaffer. Goodnight to all my friends. Goodnight Pooh Bear, Owl, Eeyore, Ganga, Christopher Robins and Roo."- Goodnight Andrew, we love you

-One of your favorites. It played for you while we were all holding you until you were set free and it has plays in my head each and everyday since- Close your eyes sweet boy...

Letters of Love to Andrew December 6, 2015

From Cousin Emilee:
-A year has passed and it hasn't gotten easier, I miss being able to call you on the phone with what Im thinking is something serious and you turning it into some kinda joke or making it all better, I miss the smile you brought to everyone face and the way you made life a party. I love and miss you everyday @andrewkunz95 ! Those we love don't go away they walk beside us everyday ❤ #apk — with Andrew Kunz.

From Best Friend Shelby:-As tomorrow approaches I can't help but sit here And cry. Tomorrow is the day that marks one year since we all lost a special person. He was a son, grandson, brother a great person and also my best friend. I will always have an empty space in my heart but know Andrew Kunz is always with us. May not be physically but he is. Everything thing I do and everyday that passes you will forever be the reason and constantly on my mind. Andrew you may not be here but we all still carry you with us. You meant more to people than you could ever know. I'm so grateful I became so close with your family throughout this year especially because they are the glue that keeps me together. Your mom is absolutely the most amazing woman I have ever met, I hope I grow up to be half the mother she is with her strength and her love its unbeilable, and your dad has the biggest heart and the best head on his shoulders ( he also is the best cook I just found out 😉) and where do I even start with your sister. She is the funniest most independent woman ever. She has such a sweet heart and the best personality. She is exactly like you with her humorous ways but I must say she might be a little smarter 😋 you would be so proud of her! We all miss you dearly and keep a little piece of u in all of our hearts, till the day we meet again. Know I Love you Andrew and always will ❤ stay gold my friend
and where do I even start with your sister. She is the funniest most independent woman ever. She has such a sweet heart and the best personality. She is exactly like you with her humorous ways but I must say she might be a little smarter 😋 you would be so proud of her! We all miss you dearly and keep a little piece of u in all of our hearts, till the day we meet again. Know I Love you

From Auntie Nay Nay:

I miss you everyday Andrew. 

💛

From Kikers: How can it be that one year ago we were able to wrap our arms around you still....

From Cousin Louis:  We all miss him very much. He's wonderful.

Andrew Kunz, you are forever in my heart! Every beautiful sunrise and sunset this last year I knew you were smiling with us!

From Grandma: 

Some Messages from friends:

The McDavids love you, little dude. And don't you forget it. Love Lolo, Denise, Dean and Stephen

From Nerissa:

We miss you Andrew Kunz. Stay gold buddy!

From Annie:

What an emotional day.. my little Lance turned 11 months old today and it's also the day that I lost you.. One of my closest friends. As I am writing this I can't help but cry.. because all of this still feels unreal. I can't believe it has been a year already.. I miss you everyday, and think about you constantly. We have so many wonderful memories together and it feels like just yesterday we were climbing that giant mountain behind your house and you were trying to convince me that their were ghosts that haunted the mountain lol we were always doing something! you, Jilly -Juliana Kunz and I had so much fun as kids. Thanks for being my best friend, and always going on crazy adventures with me and thank you for taking some time out of paradise to come visit me in my dreams.. It really helps seeing you smiling and happy as can be. That's how I will always remember you, miss you Andoo

From Maddee:

One year ago. I love and miss you Andrew 

❤ Hung up your ornaments today.

From Meggie:

Many years ago (not on this day) 
I was the mermaid in your guys pool.
The (accidental) Marilyn to your JFK, even though we didn't even understand that reference in fifth grade. 
The psycho blonde who always came over after school or whenever possible. 
The one with a semi-matching car to yours, damn we never got that picture of them side by side. 
I called Marty a puppy even when he weighed more than me.
The giver of Barbies to Jilly even though she ultimately put them in the freezer and eventually destroyed them.
All I am saying is it is weird you have been gone a year. Looking back on it all, I have so many memories, so many old memories to be exact, and you have been gone a year and they never seem dull or washed away. You were something else, but that is why we all love you. Never stop the crazy because boring is lame and I think when we became friends way back when that is why. I was weird and your hair made your head kind of look like a coconut, so you were weird too. You are one cool person Andrew, and every day I know that because you are so cool I can't and won't ever forget you.
Stay Gold Coconut 

You are metallic in my mind, and gold in my heart. 
APK heart emoticon

From Jack:

Well its been a whole 365 days without you on this earth Andrew. There's not a single day where you don't cross my mind buddy. I miss you like no other bubba. All the times we had wrenching on our vehicles, doing stupid shit together nothing will ever replace the times I had with you. My brother, my best friend, the kid that was by my side no matter what. You're still right on my shoulder Andrew. I love you man. Counting the days down to see you again 💛
*He asked me to take a picture of him making a scene at the hospital (at snowboarding accident )haha
‪#‎staygold‬ ‪#‎apk‬ ‪#‎missmybrother‬

heart emoticon

Today In Poetry And Paint

" To see a World in a Grain of Sand 
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, 
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 
And Eternity in an hour."
William Blake

Giving Knows No Season

Giving- Kahlil Gibran
Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving." 
      And he answered: 
      You give but little when you give of your possessions. 
      It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. 
      For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow? 
      And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the over prudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city? 
      And what is fear of need but need itself? 
      Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable? 
      There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome. 
      And there are those who have little and give it all. 
      These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty. 
      There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward. 
      And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism. 
      And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue; 
      They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space. 
      Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth. 
      It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding; 
      And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving 
      And is there aught you would withhold? 
      All you have shall some day be given; 
      Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'. 
      You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving." 
      The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture. 
      They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish. 
      Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you. 
      And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream. 
      And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving? 
      And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed? 
      See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving. 
      For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness. 
      And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives. 
      Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings; 
      For to be over mindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father. 

-From one of my most favorite books The Prophet. I received this perfect piece of literature when I was about Juliana's age. I'll make sure to give her a copy this holiday.

What's Love Got To Do With it? Everything

Dear Human:
You've got it all wrong.

You didn't come here to master unconditional love. This is where you came from and where you'll return.

You came here to learn personal love.
Universal love.
Messy love.
Sweaty Love.
Crazy love.
Broken love.
Whole love.
Infused with divinity.
Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.
Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect, you already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.

And rising again into remembering.

But unconditional love? Stop telling that story.

Love in truth doesn't need any adjectives.
It doesn't require modifiers.
It doesn't require the condition of perfection.

It only asks you to show up.
And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU.

Its enough.

It's Plenty.”

― Courtney A. Walsh

“The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours” 
Alan Bennett - The History Boys: The Film

Young Girl Reading, or The Reader (French: La Liseuse), is an 18th-century oil painting by Jean-Honore' Fragonard

Reading women, circa 1900 ,Oil painting by Pierre Auguste Renoir

Jacquelyn Bischak, Reading Women

Balancing Act

In anticipation of the unforeseen, turbulent and over whelming moments I'm expecting to feel this week and in the upcoming weeks as well, my Monday motivation expectation for myself will be just to keep hold of my footing, keeping my balance and showing and accepting (the accepting part is hard for me) support. I suspect this week will feel a lot like walking along the back of a rhinoceros. I will remind myself I am a huge fan of the Rino.

Louis Armstrong - When You're Smiling

To lighten things up :)))

Back On Track

Since the only thing running these days is my mascara, time for a change of pace. I was going to hit the beach but no time like the present and right in front. Happy Sunday. #lifeisin #themoments

Keeping Your Holiday Shopping Local and Meaningful

• "Live life like your time is limited. Make the best of the good and bad with no intention of anything else happening after death, make sure your life was lived up to your highest expectations because wether there's a heaven and hell or nothing at all, its nice to know you did your very best with the life you where given."-APK
  
  AddictiveLifestyle was this hypothetical concept created by Andrew Kunz; a company he obsessed over and dreamed of. Andrew was the kind of guy that would get so damn passionate over things you would have to calm his roll. He never limited the possibilities and believed in living life to the fullest. He inspired so many people in his life that was ended too soon. Andrew suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury(TBI) on February 23, 2014 as the result of a car accident. This tragedy landed him in the hospital, and despite the constant efforts of some of the best doctors, extensive rehabilitation, and love, he passed away on December 6, 2014 at 19 years old. In an effort to create his dream of AddictiveLifestyle Clothing Co., sister, Juliana Kunz, and best friend, Shelby Allen, have given it life. We are a small company trying to honor a son, a brother, a best friend, and an incredible person by making his dream a reality. His meaning behind AddictiveLifestyle was, "You should give whatever you love in life 110%, live a life you can't help but love, always be humble, always be on your grind, and don't stop till you achieve... Stay Gold."
• Email

  addictivelifestyleclothing@gmail.com
• Website                               https://addictivelifestyle.squarespace.com/

The Thing Is-Grief Speaks

Sometimes there are words that do help get us through the hard moments. These words from Ellen Bass are mine. My hope is if your reading this and struggling, they help you too, or someone you may know. I'm struggling today much more then yesterday, and I know tomorrow may be a better day. Or, maybe not, That's the unsure thing about loss, you never know what the day, or moment will bring so you take each day has they come and do your best to roll with the punches. These words soften the blows for me. May they soften your blows as well. 

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. 

 

Image Unknown

Peas And Carrots

"You and me, we are like pea's and carrots'. It wasn't easy today Noodle, but mama did good. We all did. There were so many "should of's " but I made them into "would have's"  I love you Andrew Philip Kunz with my whole being. One sweet day my Son. Until then, Don't ever wonder if the stars come out for you because they do and the birds still sing for you too. Always loved. Always near. Always with us. Always mine.

Powerful (feat. Jussie Smollett and Alicia Keys)

Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

Well, maybe I'm not Hunter S. Thompson and I have no fear or loathing to be done in Las Vegas, however, tomorrow Jim and I are headed that way.  Call us crazy, and this is completely out of character for us to take a trip right before Thanksgiving but we were wanting to jump in "The Stang" and go for a long drive. Most folks would have likely chosen the coast as their route of desirable driving splendor, and it is glorious for sure, but since we live on the Central Coast and can head out often, it just didn't make the list this time. Jim's up north weekly so that didn't appeal to him (it always appeals to me) and I LOVE going south to LA but what can I say..."LA, to much for the man"...besides this drive is more about getting the car out on the open road with a roar, and spending time together, then it is about the scenery. So where's a nearby trip that checks the boxes...VEGAS BABY!    We're headed off in the morning for a couple of days.   And since there wasn't enough time to drive to New York,  I'll have to be happy with New York, New York on the strip. Hey, I hear they have a Shake Shack there! Oh, and I can't forget, Serendipity is there too. Banana splits! Here's to a good drive, great food, dressing up and stepping out, a wonderful show and fun company. And people watching. Fast and Feastie, here we come! Oh, I just thought of something, MAYBE I'll get Jim to dance with me. So I don't have to dance with complete strangers. (thank goodness my days of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas are long behind me;D) VROOM! VROOM!

Sunday Sermon

I'm a lover of poetry. I'm not much of a writer of it but and I can sit and read poetry books for hours. I have many favorite writers and e e cummings is a standout in a line up of greats. This is a poem of his that speaks to my heart. I hope it touches yours. Happy Sunday.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

                                  i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Image by Prechu
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E._E._Cummingshttp
I really like this site:  http://www.poetryfoundation.org/

Bluehue

Often our days get started with a slam but for the days that start with a simmer this short film is intensely magnificent and intensely meditative.
Ps-If you've never believed in mermaids before, you will now. #waterdance #dancefriyay

Bluehue from natasha brooks on Vimeo.
A short film about the joys of year round naked swimming in the mountain lakes of Snowdonia, N.Wales. Filmed, produced and swam by Natasha Brooks. www.tashbrooks.com